Video Games- Destroying Society? YOU DECIDE

From Joe Lieberman's misinformed vendettas against video games, to newspapers claiming that Mass Effect contains a "gay sex simulator," the petty accusations fly constantly back and forth, forming a dense and impassible whirlwind from which the sound of flaccid penises slapping against each other constantly emanates.

Where does this get us? Are we really training the future's supersoldiers with copies of Halo 3? Are we really blaming outrageous criminal offenses on Grand Theft Auto? With the expansion of our universe, so comes the expansion in variety of things that fucktards can blame for the stupid shit their kids do.

Believe it or not, violent crime existed before the advent of video games, and so did the glorification of violent crime for the sake of entertainment. 40 years ago, a 16 year old firing a shotgun into a busy highway would have an entirely different set of reasons for his bad behavior than he would today. All it takes is one utterance of "I saw it on Grand Theft Auto," and the high-speed slapping of dicks begins anew.

Children have been running away from home and dying in the wilderness since the dawn of time, and I can guarantee you that many of these incidents were caused by something just as petty as revoked video game privileges. Unfortunately, now that the Xbox is involved, it becomes the fault of the industry, or the game developers, or the game store rather than the child or the parent.

Accountability would seem to be our real problem. Who let the kid run away in order to teach him a lesson? Who bought him that M-rated video game? Who let this impressionable little kid sit for hours engrossed in this game to the point where it became the only thing he wanted to do?

I've been playing games since I was too young to write, and I've hit all the marks, from Doom to Grand Theft Auto to Modern Warfare. I'll punch up a quick list of things I never learned from any of those games:

Things Cole Never Learned from Video Games

- How to load a gun
- How to aim a gun
- How to fire a gun

After practicing with real weapons and live ammunition, I can safely say that video games don't even come close. If somebody's teaching these kids what they know, it certainly isn't Infinity Ward, and if they think it's OK to fire a weapon at a living person, it's not because they saw it happen in Grand Theft Auto. It's time to quit side-stepping the issue, and start accepting the fact that anything can have a negative effect on children, especially the way they've been raised.

Play It Before You Die

There are some games that everybody plays, and there are some games that everybody should play. Quit killing yourself for that next bullshit achievement or trophy, and sink into this one.

Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee

If you have a PlayStation 3, this game is five dollars on the network. If you don't, then you'll probably have to drop about 25 for an old PlayStation and a used copy, but it's worth it, you cheap fucking shitlog! It was also released on PC, I imagine it's probably up for download somewhere for pretty cheap.

Everything about this title, from the rage-against-the-machine premise to the "posession" mechanic screams 90s video game, but the superb artwork and unforgettable characters set it on a higher shelf than most others. Throw in a dash of Douglas Adams style humor and a really interesting game world, and you'll be hooked.

In a nutshell, you control a powerful retard through an acid nightmare in order to keep a bigshot, money-hungry suit from killing you and selling you as food. You escape your former employer (the meat packing plant which is poised to start grinding you and your kind into burgers) and set out on a mission to save your fellow retarded tribesmen from the race of sausage makers who are bent on quashing your rebellion. You'll face half-robotic corporate guards, wildlife glistening with alien lubricant, and many other perils and puzzles that will test your ability to achieve the coveted "good ending."

Just as enjoyable is the "bonus game" (referred to as such only because it's not counted as a sequel) Abe's Exoddus. It's presented and played in a similar fashion to Oddysee, and the storyline picks up directly after the end of the first game.

The "true" sequel, Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee, was announced for PlayStation 2, and then made exclusive to Xbox, (ala Halo) because Microsoft pulled the ripcord on their magical money shower, the oily drops of which graced Lorne Lanning's brow and transformed him into a dismissive cunt.

Yet another bonus title; Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath was brokered into Xbox exclusivity and supposedly marks the end of the series in video game form. The developers have claimed that subsequent titles in the series will be released as movies instead of games, but they haven't been heard from in years, so there you have it. If you still own an original Xbox, then go hunting at your local GameStop and try to nab these two titles, because even though the devs pissed a ton of people off by jumping ship for Xbox, they're still great games, and you won't be supporting Microsoft's habit of shutting people out for money by buying used. When people say "know your farmer," they mean that shit.

PlayStation Home: All the mall without the Orange Julius

Shortly after buying my PS3, I downloaded PlayStation Home, which is essentially a 3D social network for PlayStation users. It sounded interesting in theory.

Initially, I spent a few minutes trying to sculpt my character's face to match my own, but to no avail. I ended up with some kind of Matt Damon/Sid Vicious hybrid. Soon after my horrible plastic surgery and a quick, forgettable trip through my "HomeSpace" (in which I piled all the furniture in the corner and left abruptly) I found myself in the main courtyard, where everybody presumably "hangs out."

As you can see in the screencap above, the social environment in Home's main courtyard is nearly identical to a fashion mall full of dick-hungry tenth graders. Text-based communication is transmitted through speech balloons over an individual's head, and comments made in your general vicinity tick by in a forum box in the bottom left corner of the screen. Conversations generally consist of socially inept boys asking attention-whoring girls if they really look like their in-game avatar. Myspace URLs are exchanged, and petty, dramatic personal conversations are had in front of complete strangers.

When you compliment people on their retarded internet pants, they actually thank you as though they are proud of their Hot Topic-tier choices of personal representation. Ironically, Home contains an actual mall where you can go pay real money for virtual clothing with which to dress your gaunt mannequin up as a special needs kid.

I don't want to buy an imaginary Resident Evil 5 t-shirt any more than I want to buy a REAL one, and I sure as fuck don't want to stand around wearing it while a bunch of vacuous buttfuckers do the funky chicken to "Chain Swing" by Animal House. Fuck that, and fuck Home until it becomes a useful networking application, which I'm guessing will be "never."

What home is: Your local mall, complete with repulsive, body-spray scented droves of 13 year-olds, and there's not even a fucking Cinnabon to ease the pain!

What home should be: A facebook-like application with options allowing you to customize your profile as a playstation user.

Kingdom Hearts: Melodramatic manchildren + Disney

If there's one "classic" from the history of video games that I absolutely cannot stand, it's Final Fantasy. I got roughly one third of the way through number 7, found my experience wrought with a complete lack of caring for anything that was happening, and gave up.

I beat 10, continuing on always with the hope that I would see something really cool, that I would experience the reason these games always garnered universal praise. Eventually, the game ended. Some rainbow-colored shit happened. What did I find? Physical repulsion.

It's like trying to sit down and watch an episode of Dragon Ball Z with a straight face. Every time the main character speaks, I quiver with embarassment for myself and my people. Just glancing at the box art makes me gag. The thought of real people dressing like Tidus makes me want to shit acid and die.

Imagine, then, my dismay at the pairing of Final Fantasy's melodramatic, feyish boy-drama with Disney's dead horse carcass full of cartoon characters that were old as shit before I was even born. I must admit, due to rave reviews, I borrowed the game from a friend who had nothing but good things to say about it. I was absolutely baffled. People actually stand by this tripe as mature, magnificent storytelling? This cutesy, ultimate-destiny gradeschool drama has got to be shitcanned.

True Strategy: Battlefield 1943

- A well-aimed airplane can kill several men. If your ride is on it's last legs, head straight for a group of unsuspecting baddies and pop that chute. After performing, and being a recipient of this attack, I can assure you that the feeling is epic no matter which end you're on. Either you look up with surprise to see a smoking airplane speeding straight at your face, or you float to the ground while watching those suckers get plowed into the side of a house by your hot fuselage.

- If you're not going for major points, set charges around the flag at the airfield on Iwo-Jima. Retreat to the hills along the northern coast. You can clear view-obstructing tree branches with a few sniper shots to get a clean look at the rooftop. You can often remain here for entire matches without anyone attempting to make it into the airfield from behind you. Just wait and watch, don't give away your position by trying to snipe other snipers way down south. There's nothing quite as satisfying as watching a three or four-man squad working hard to clear your teammates out of the airfield, and then blowing them to shit just before they finish lowering your flag.

- You know that whiney bitch who throws a fit and shoots rockets at friendly airplanes when somebody else gets in the cockpit before he does? Offer him a ride in your jeep. When the time is right, jump out of the jeep and allow it to roll in front of an enemy tank. While the tanker is busy trying to take out the jeep with the squealing baby inside, flank and destroy! Not only will you score a tank bust, but the whiner will most likely quit the match, off to spout his intolerable pap over somebody else's speakers!